Revision has never been something I focused to much on as in high school we really didn’t go into much depth with it. We focused on the grammar aspect of it, rather than the sentence structure, evidence, source integration, etc. I never actually liked revision because the way I was taught was so simple. I figured it was pointless and the only thing I had to look for was grammar mistakes. So throughout this semester I have learned that it is way more than grammar when it comes to revision, and grammar is just scratching the surface of revision. We need to focus on global revision rather than local.
During the semester we wrote a few different essays and short responses to prompts that involved the revision process. I will be focusing on my most recent essay on joy that is my most recent revision experience. Below is my original introduction that I hadn’t revised yet.
“Joy is often a feeling that is hard to come by these days unless you are in the high rankings of society as there is so much depression and poverty throughout the world. We face a division in society through race, political status, and religion, among other things. Each event causes us to further divide, and it distracts many people from the current problems at hand. We are so enveloped in fighting for our beliefs and home in on them so strongly that we don’t stop and make time for ourselves. As a society we need to prioritize joy, be okay with the thought that it can happen even in the darkest of times, and that we need to get past our differences so that we can feel all the effects that joy has. “
My original introduction was not only peer reviewed, but also reviewed by my professor where I received some beneficial comments/suggestions. These comments helped me to be more clear when speaking about topics; to avoid being too broad, to make my thesis have a little more of a stance, and to maybe add some evidence meaning a mention of the authors of my integrated sources. That leads into my revised introduction paragraph.
“Joy is often a feeling that is hard to come by these days unless you are in the high rankings of society as there is so much depression and poverty throughout the world. We face a division in society through race, political status, and religion, among other things. Events like protests, prejudice in communities, law formation, and wars cause us to further divide, and it distracts many people from the current problems at hand like increased poverty, inflation, education disputes, immigration among other issues. We are so enveloped in fighting for our beliefs and home in on them so strongly that we don’t stop and make time for ourselves. Zadie Smith, Ross Gay, and others were helpful in helping develop my concerns and confidence in relation to joy. As a society we need to prioritize joy, be okay with the thought that it can happen even in the darkest of times, and that we need to get past our differences so that we can enjoy the benefit that joy has on our lives.”
This is the resulting paragraph I had written for my final draft of my joy essay. Each correction I made to my introduction to revise it is in blue and italics. I was able to take the suggestion comments and integrate their ideas into my own to make my introduction paragraph more clear and concise. I was able to integrate the authors of the readings I used as evidence further along in my following body paragraphs, used some real world examples of events that can cause us to lose sight of joy, and was able to make my thesis statement direct and coherent to the reader.
I will continue to use these skills as I continue into my classes next semester and over the course of my education. As I have learned that revision isn’t just about the little mistakes, but the broader perspective on writing. We do it to develop our ideas further and to connect to our audience better.
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